Stuff Inc

Why am I so bitter?

 

Why do I bury things?

 

Why do I feel the need to vent?

 

Why can I find more reasons to hate than to love?

 

Why do I think that asking why is relevant?

 

Why do I stare at the wall as though it will gloriously supply the answer to the question?

Anyways I figured I would type in another blog, the only question being how do I balance information wanting to give and length of blog so that anyone reading will not feel overwhelmed.   I honestly don't know but appreciate those who will actually read.  It is that time of year, oh great another Christmas blog, and I was forced to deal with stuff going on in my brain.  I decided I didn't want to right away so I went over to a friends and we watched Clerks 2.  What was I thinking about, well I was thinking about why I hate Christmas, and why I don't have the urge to go home.  To spend all that "quality time" to love and be loved and have roasted turkey and be happy happy joy joy, or even the urge just to get together with family. 

 

GAH, I hate looking into the recess of my soul cause what stares back is frightening.  I then hear echoes of phrases which imply the things I feel should be ignored.  That a real man overcomes such things and is not bothered by them.  How am I ever to be strong if I cannot overcome something as little as feelings and emotions.  Then I wonder which of all that is lies and what are part of my belief systems about the world which are false, so then the conflict inside rages.   To make matters worse I am not one to be all emotional and garbage and hate when emotion seems to overtake rationality. 

 

Everyone at the school hears me say I am not going home and their reaction is awwww that's sad.  But for me it isn't, I don't really have the urge to want to go home.  So that arises the question inside to why is that.  Does it make me a bad person for feeling like this?  I use the ready excuse that I can't afford it which is true and is sufficient enough to quell the inquiries further.  For me though money is not an issue and if I really wanted to get home I would.  The main reason I don't want to go home is I don't want to, and while I enjoy and love my parents I can only spend about a day with them.  I don't like being there and its not because they were bad parents or anything bad happened but I have no attachment to the place.  When people ask me where home is I truthfully respond that I am homeless, but probably the closest I could say that home is would be when I am peaceful with my closest friends.

 

I have a restless heart, one that yearns for relationship yet hides.  It wishes for closeness yet know that who I am right now only lets people get so close.  No matter who it is there always seems to be a distance and for the most part I am fine with that, but there are days.  A course I had this semester made me reflect and it threw me into such a funk that I was an emotional wreck for close to two months(meaning I functioned and did my duty while feeling like dying inside).  All of this is a part of who I am at the moment, and I also know is part of why I don't go home for Christmas.  Combine that with other trauma from proceeding years and I am left with bitter resentment to the time of year, couple that with my loathing of commercialism and consumeristic mentality and you are left with a time of year I cannot stand.  The last thing I want is people express sadness about it though, just accept it.  There is way more involved then I could type here, but that is just a glimpse.  So if you want to learn more or even care maybe I will post here sometime soon.

So this is just random update, put in some pictures of this past semester.  Live in residence on an all guy floor and included all the awesome guys for anyone willing to look. 

    So this year at our Christmas Banquet, there was this tree which was given to us by staff at the hall which was dubbed "The Ugly Tree".  And to be honest it was a really REALLY damaged and abused artificial tree which you wouldn't really want to have at a formal banquet, or any other social function.  However the planning team came up with a contest for people to write about how the tree became so ugly, and the stories produced by the tables were amusing (three of them were read).  No one at our table felt creative so I decided that I would attempt to write the story for our table, but instead of focusing on how the tree was ugly I would weave a moral tale instead.  This blog shall try to rewrite the tale, and there may be minor differences from the original, but oh well. The tale is as follows:

 

     I changed my mind, those who read get the review.

 

I pretty much wrote about how the tree, simply because to the masses it was valued as ugly.  Due to the repulsion which was felt (something rather Humean) there was less value placed on the tree.  But the thing is no matter how much it was ostracized, how much it was made fun of, or ridiculed, it stood there as a testament to the form of Christmas tree.  Even though it no longer matched the form of Christmas tree in our minds, it still invoked the perfect form of Christmas Tree.  In that it served its purpose, it invoked the memories, the associations which we carry with the form of Christmas Tree.  Yet because of its abuse suffered at human hands, it was set apart and ridiculed.  However no matter how much abuse, that tree will be one of the things everyone from this year will remember, not only remember but will have positive images and memories attached to it.  Therefore even though it's original value of Ugly doesn't fit, because it reminds us of the most actual form, it provides positive lasting memory, and withstands the pressure of conformity continuing to serve a purpose.  That makes it not ugly, but rather a success, and how often do we judge something by sight first without realizing its purpose and effect in our life.

 

The other note of the banquet is I dressed up stunningly, and unbeknownst to all attending I was wearing my SLIPPERS.  Even if I was in a 3 piece suit I would have been in slippers due to my lack of dress shoes.  No one noticed and my feet were totally comfortable, they are however solid black Dockers which have a shoe like appearance rather than stereotypical fluffy slippers.  Even the date I asked to attend didnt notice until I presented the shoe itself, it was an amazing thing to do.  If you ask why I dont have real dress shoes is because I havent gone shopping for some and am too particular about them.  I don't want simply $40 specials, but the shoes I buy will probably be one of the only sets I buy for life.  So until I get an expendable $150 to $500 I probably won't own a set of dress shoes.  Anyways hopefully those that read this enjoy. Peace

Some random thoughts for all those people who never read this, and if you are, well then, I thank you.

 

We had a Futsal game this weekend and won 9-4.  We scored 4 goals within the first 5 shifts, probably in less than 5 minutes.  As a keeper I don't keep track of time while I am on the field.  I felt like crap the entire time and was out of breath and flat footed pretty much the entire game.  That said I still think I had a good night and everyone said I made some amazing saves, so that implies even my bad nights I still do well.

 

 

Supposed to be writing a paper at this present time, but like one of my other assignments its now late.  Not that I have an issue writing papers, but this semester just have absolutely no motivation for school work.  This paper is on Origen, who I personally believe would be worth recognizing as a Saint, but many would have their difficulties with.  The man is responsible for setting orthodoxy in the path which it has followed, and was one of the first polemicists.  Indirectly his contributions to the faith could be credited for Augustine's conversion, unless you're a Calvinist, and also the first prominent trinitarian.  Others perversely credited him for the foundation of Arianism, and others had issues with the fact he was a eunuch.  I guess it's a good thing the true judge isn't restricted to human evaluation.

 

Oh well, life continues and there is nothing I can do to stop it.  Not that life is futile, but rather everyone of us impacts it with each moment we are alive.

 

Random page update

Working for the summer and don't have ready access to a PC so if I blog will be very short and sporadic. Hope those that do stop by have a good summer, and if you have a question or topic to discuss leave a comment and I will try to get to it.

This probably isn't very relevant, but I just found part of my dream from last night rather odd and intersting.  There can be many different interpretations of dreams, I generally just view them as my mind processing information.  Anyways in my dream I am lying in my bed, in residence, in my room, and I start to pray.  As I am praying some of the guys from the floor start coming in.  They double check to make sure I am there and then observe how my hands are held and where I am looking. From that they are able to ensure I am praying and then they decide to get me.  As one comes in and for some reason it only becomes one person although now rather faceless, and their head gets just above mine. Its when I wake up and half dream half awake, the guy retreats to a corner in our room.  Now awake I start talking, and begin to ask "what are you doing there?" but only got out "what are" when I realized the room was empty and my doors were closed.  It was just me, but the weird thing is the position I was in my dream is exactly how my hands and head were when I first woke up.  So.... that is my dream and Im not going to over analyze Im just going to note it was interesting and randomly odd.  My dream life as of lately has taken to be really odd and interesting, for the past while especially since I have been going through Lent.  Anyways time for coffee and reading I shall return and perhaps make some  more interesting posts or post my last poem or two.

This past weekend I was able to experience something first hand which has really helped me understand God's character.  I found out something about a friend as I walked into an awkward situation, and her first reaction was to hide her face from me.  There is a lot of background info I don't want to write down, but this person was someone who had called me a friend.  I found out later they pretty much didnt have the courage or respect for my friendship to tell me directly so instead figured I would come to the conclusion at some point in time.  Some may think I was upset at the situation, but I am honestly happy for them and think they make a decent duo (I had my suspicions all along so telling me would have confirmed my thoughts).  What really stung was someone who said they were a friend was not willing to face me and deal truthfully with me.

 

Today as I kept contemplating the situation and my reaction the thought came to me, how often do we try and hide things from God? How often when I am confronted about a situation by the Holy Spirit do I turn my face away?  With the pain I went through I cannot imagine what God felt like when his creation did something and then tried to hide themselves from his sight.  Do I ever pain God, and from his reaction what should mine be?  With the situation I came to the conclusion I have to keep an open heart, and let them come to me.  If I try and force a friendship or discussion about it then I am only going to hamper any progress.  I need to be myself and be willing to forgive her for anything even if she may not even know exactly how much it hurt.  I am not saying I should consider myself equal to God, but as his child I should be reflecting his character as his Spirit lives in me.  That and it is the right decision to make, it is good and ethical.  Anyways my thoughts are still trying to fully understand everything but with such decisions I am experiencing peace about what yesterday almost had me in tears (Those who know me also know that to get me in tears generally takes an act of God, literally).

Theology class was rather stimulating today, not the class itself but just random thoughts I had.  The class itself is rather boring and I actually told the prof today I feel sorry for him having to teach the subject.  My reasoning why was because I honestly feel that one cannot "teach" theology.  Theology is something which is sought, discussed among others as we learn how we interact with God and who he is.  If we teach theology then the danger is putting God in a box, we form doctrines and follow those as truth instead of God.  Today in class the prof had mentioned that he is cynical of miracles and my first thought was about David Hume.  David Hume believes miracles will and can occur but when they do we cannot concretely accept them as truth.  The difference between believers and unbelievers is the faith they have.  Anyways the thought that came across my mind about this is if we hold miracles skeptically such as Hume, it keeps us from being "gift/miracle orientated" such as the Corinthian church.  We can keep our focus on God yet believe in miracles without becoming gift obsessed.  Its an interesting take that I shall ponder more.